-->> tOkKa Milkshake..


[[You don't need to read this cr4p ..just skip on down to the news.. not to many people gonna care to anyways. But here i go..]]




..Controversy seems to stick to me like a magnet.. or it gets stuck on my spikes and piles up on there til' it becomes an enormous burden and overwhelmingly so. Never failed ,huh.


Plop in and pile on what i'm already to take care of..my own site ..updates here ..trivial or imperative. I really do my best. Come to have been known .. :: "O that's just the f7ckin' schizo-guy who works on the Ninja Turtle website" .. among many other flattering and less than flattering things i am 'KNOWN' for.


Past few months have become a landslide of activity .. and taken me to burnout ..not just on TMNT but existence and life as a whole. This is nothing new .. especially people that know me have the difficult task of sorting me out and deciding how i fit in their little cosmos. For this i am thankful and for this i am also indebted to them. I love you guys more than you could ever understand.


It had spilled a long time ago ..that there's summin' in my head that just ain't right .. 'schizophrenic' was not a term coined by me but by a doctor who'd went as far as to diagnose the illness and then dropped me from his client list the next. A rather bad situation that i've been paying for ever since. As the time has gone on since i first started here..working for Mikey's the landscape of not just of the planet .. but the nature of TMNT fandom ..the arts, and my career in all venues of art,design,visual communications,media, Ect. All of it has blurred itself.. smashed itself together for me ..in this big bang of incredible experiences. Some i'm so lucky to have had. All the love, joy,friendships, camaraderie ,and memories.


Some of it has nearly destroyed me .. time and time again. The anxiety mixes with the chaos and trauma.. as of late. I have been having nervous breakdowns everyday. Sometimes the entire situation makes me so numb ..i can no longer feel anything. Drastic measures are usually taken in these cases ..it's happened for a really long time now and those things shall not be mentioned here.


.. As the planet has also become more entwined in chaos ..so has existence. Trying to figure out day to day where i belong in all this.. all the big things and little things,and just simply trying to take care of myself; becomes this enormous undertaking ..like trying to climb to the moon and back everyday. But it's also natural for so many people to face such drastic odds. I realize i am not alone in this.


But each time i fall..i break. and i shatter.. ::


I don't know what people expect from me. Ok i come on here and post whatever i can find ..i feel that as a fan of Mirage and TMNT , i thought fellow fans and friends would appreciate every little spot of Turtle and sometimes Usagi related info i could dig up.


I am not just Mikey's Turtles News guy .. because it is required of me.. but because i had also chosen to take on the very difficult task of bein' a scoop the ever growing franchise that is TMNT. And with a the new movie nearing ..in just a matter of days now..with merchandise,comics, and all sorts of related goodies and interest, that task has become very VERY demanding of me and my time.


But again.. i get minimal help on this.. (With the exception of some very kind people that allow me to use their information to share with the rest of the Turtle community and some that donate info to me. I thank these people whole-heartedly).. somehow .. over the coarse of doing this a number of years now, there is a system i have developed that works and keeps relative time with my chaotic schedule and the ever evolving TMNT fan-base and internet.


Last summer i was very involved with what has become my Mecca every year;San Diego..


..interacting with TMNT fans and friends,creators, the excitement and development of the movie and a general happiness overall with the entire process. As a creator and fan tho' ..i always walk the fine lines. These trips are also business trips..and at the same time i'm trying to enjoy myself at what is my only break and psuedo-vacation of the year.. it's also a tricky balance of getting portfolios and artwork shown and taking advantage as much as i can to get work. Time after time..as many reactions to my work are very diverse and mixed..some of the people get very excited about it ..and i get lead on many what appears to very legit- opportunities;they turn into many wild goose chases with very painful results. The nature of the beasts tho'..this is to be expected in all the industries i am approaching. Still exceptionally hard to deal with.


One thing i have .. not just in Turtle Community.. but life in general is this relative inferiority complex. I mean to say .. i have allowed people to put in me in a place of 'LESS' .. as if my importance in any aspect of this life was that of something very disgusting. Horse droppings or dirt. Som3thing very low .. and that i am something very bad. It's difficult territory.. cuz just those few negative things attack me and attach onto me like anchors..and sink me. Then i get stuck.. and all the good things people show me don't even matter after that. I crash time and time again ..whatever loose sense of confidence i had or built up just disappears. And this cycle has happened countless times. To the point some have come to expect it. I hate it.


Perspective has not ever been my strongest attribute. But i knew there was problem ..especially a few weeks ago as the Turtle comics just sat there in a pile unopened collecting dust. I was buying toys and videos ..with little thought or actual care. It was just there.. it was all just there. And what once was something i was often so proud to be apart of, was a bane. I hadn't been like this in a very long time.


Again i'm not just doing any of this.. Mikey's,terrible2z, artworks,web comics,fine art designs,ect. because i have to. It's been solid proof of Mirage's impact on me. Not just Turtles.. but the company and it's people in general. How they may very well have been the single most driving force of influence on everything i do. Yeh it started with Kevin and Pete , and i know they have their differences..but all that is none of my business. Those 2 helped start and shape an organization that broke so much ground and so much territory. Changed the landscape of not just indy-comics but also the toy industry. Ok .. the Mirage's impact on the history books i have been following from near day one. I've appreciated every minute detail of it and feel rather graced to have witnessed and been raltivly involved in it. I've even attributed artists and people in the company like Dan Berger and Jim Lawson .. as some who have even helped save my life. Not just it. Even like meeting Gary Richardson last summer ,the big boss.. was like meeting a celebrity. Something very special and important to me. Farley,Dooney,Lavinge,Brown,Sakai,Bode ect ect ect ect.. ..and alot of the artists and writers that have followed in their footsteps and kept time with the Turtles have meant the world to me. A few of these people i managed to make very good friends with. Mikey's itself is such an important entity to me in it's entirety and in far to many aspects for me to list in this already long article i am sure no one is reading anyway.


My attitude..the past weeks had not not negative or positive ..i simply didn't care..


then at times it would spike.. and it would hurt me very deeply.I also was wasting time and imperative energy with some documentary people recently. People who chose to lead me on instead of being straight-up with me as i had requested of them ..added an additional sting to all this.


A mixture the entropy in my life and the seemingly increasing alienation from the community. Then my brain was thrown in the blender again with my heart. Let's hit the puree button again. Tokka milkshake..


It's been pretty disturbing. Crashing to much,burning out too much. And then the anger tips it's ugly horns. But again ..tOkKa's left on his own to deal with life's spike's.. so the evil question that comes up again and again is ::


WHAT NOW ?!


Yep .. i've been so ready to drop all this stuff like a bad habit. When it becomes less about Turtles being an outlet, inspiration for me, and an escape .. and more of a very very painful product. I may as well be stabbing my eyes out with a switchblade. Yeh .. suicidal tendency is one of the 'tOkKa Hi-lights' that people hate about me. But it's my fight and i am unable to make anyone understand of my struggles and that need to die. That aside.. it's a dead horse i end up beating everyday. I live in a very lucid and unreal state.. and the effects of this 'illness' or whatever you want to call it ..can make all the situations(everyday ones to very important ones) absolute madness.


"Are you gonna die ,tOkKa ..are you gonna die ?? Please don't die."


I get that sometimes. And i get conflicted sometimes when it comes up. However.. it's also ever more becoming a device people use to stab me in the back with. Mixed messages is all i've ever been exposed to. And people don't ever seem to let up on them.


All in all ..it does get down decisions that i make ..in an ever more fragile world i don't see myself as something of importance.. at least of this moment. Some would disagree ..but at the moment i type this crap up here. I am not feeling.. and i am not feeling good about TMNT, my role in the community, and the future is just -blank- .. i cannot think to clearly


TOM GRAY (TMNT movie producer)has recently been referring to Turtle fans as 'ALUMS'. A term i had been using for along time now. But it seemed as if he was just focusing on and saying.."O the kids who liked the old cartoons,games and movies.. and they grew up with that. They are the only ones that matter. LA~~deeda."


Nope.. not his exact words but I think that also,that generalization i really took to heart. That solidified the numbness and the 'not caring'. If a Mirage Mainstay seemingly excluded such a freek of nature like me and a person who has invested so much energy and heart into all of this massive thing called 'TMNT' ..and i became just this bling cog in the machine..just some market demographic that noone will even look at. Yeh .. maybe all this wasn't about love and the power of the art and the driving factors that made Turtles so important to me in the first place.. but more an obsessive-compulsive disorder. What was the point ?? Where was the hope ??
I felt i must be a very bad aspect to persons like Steve Murphy and Peter Laird. All the pain from an incident when Laird misunderstood me actually got frightened by me because i failed to show my enthusiasm in a manner he could understand..it all came back. Smacked me in the face..punched me in the gut.. and then beat me bloody with a lead pipe and left any aspiration i had left for dead.


I was like.. "WAIT ..hold on there ,Gray !! I am Alumni too !! I matter too ..don't i ?? "


.. i got even number ..





However..the past few weeks i have been trying to care. I have a few more tricks up my beak, and the aim of focus will be on the aspects of what drew me into the community,to Mirage,and Turtles as 'WHOLE'!! Yep ..that includes all the less popular venues of Turtles like 'Next Mutation' and 'TMNT III' ..when i say whole.. i mean IT. That focus ..i shall direct right here.


No apologies.. no nothin'. Also no insults and no obligation for anyone else to share in this endeavor with me. It will be visual,simple, and straight from the heart in an effort to share that love with everyone if they so choose to partake.


Again .. i will also break a promise.. i made to Mike ..not to promote t2z here on the main page. However that was a promise i put on myself. Mike had nothing to do with it originally.


Terrible2z.com and Mikey's TMNT.com are sister sites.. and i think i a majour problem we have had is working in tandem to the best of our abilities. While Terrible2z is very personal part of me and showcase fro my work. Both sites have crossed over too many times at this point. I need to stop putting myself and my work on the back burner. This won't mean that anyone HAS to look at my work or anything. But the door has always been open to Mike to use t2z in anyway he has needed. I'm the dude's PR guy and he's like one of best friends .. i mean why the hell wouldn't i promote him and his work on my site ?? But as a two-way street.. i gotta do my best to fight this 'inferiority' and cross that divide to show my own legitimacy not just in the Turtles community.. but as to 'THE STATE OF THE ARTS' in general.


I contribute alot here .. and i dunno. I need to stop sliding around the issue and stop putting my work in that place of 'less'. Love it or hate it.. love me or hate me. If i am going to survive in this plain of existence that few have proven to me i belong in.. then i need to take some sort of action. Or it really is the end. And i will not be back ..EVER. This is not a scare tactic or even a new statement. It's just a fact..and something i have to look at every single moment of everyday,


Life really is bitter sweet.. but that don' mean tOkKa has to keep swallowing bitter pills people and life keep cramming down my throat.


Life just ain' that simple. Well obviously..


and the gray areas will always be there. But if i can recapture some of the charm that drew me into the Mirage fold ..and made me a member of the unofficial 'Mirage Cheerleading Squad' in the first place..i shall try.


Maybe for some..there is 'NO TRY .. ONLY DO..' but ya know..sometimes TRY is all some of us have. This Snapper will continue to try .. for now.


I will implement a simple and new feature shortly. If you others can get something enjoyable and stir up some good reactions and emotions about it.. that's good to.


2 b continued..


~tOkKa




+ + + + + + + + + + +


Now ta bid'ness.. ::






- New German poster art courtesy of Roseangelo






- From my buddy Leo in China ::


"TOkKa ..Chinese TMNT Movie official site:


hahahaha:


**(click)http://www.applause.com.tw/applause/movie/TMNT/



8D .. Thanks again to Dierna .. for the following spots..(**Update ..apologies and extra CRED to Sanjuro M...the originator of the info. My bad ..~ tOkK)::


-More movie 4 soundtrack info::


".. u can hear 30 sec snippits of the songs here:


** (Click)http://forums.thetechnodrome.com/showpost.php?p=473917&postcount=162


Interesting song choices...some better than others.
The "I Love Being a Turtle" score reminded me of
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon more than anything
else.... while Raphael's Nightwatcher score is
reminiscent of The Last Samurai, altho some have said
Batman meets James Bond. ô,0..




- Live near Charlotte, Nashville, and Atlanta? I sure as
shell don't... lucky ducks all of ya. :P *mumbles*




The fine folks at CHUD (who are big meanies for only
picking 3 southern cities... I mean seriously! Where's
the love for the Northwest or Northeast?!) are teaming
up with Warner Bro's for a contest to see movie before
everyone else does.


What they need is:


1. Your name and address.


2. The city in which you'd like to see the film.


3. Your age or the age of the young person you're


taking to the screening (it's a Saturday daytime
screening).


4. The name of the next animated film for young people
you'd like to see taken from a comic book.


The link to email em is at the bottom of this page:


http://www.chud.com/index.php?type=contests&id=9094


Note: Chud says the movie length is 1 hour 29 min." ..





..>v<