..stupid ideals..

Laying on my desk here at work is a small, thin book called It's Not About the Money: Small-Town Newspapering in Texas by Charlene R. Vandini... aka La Generala. Cover price is $9.95 and just the sight of it brings me to identify with the Fireman's duties in Ray Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451.

So many things are not going on and it's difficult to keep track of them all. Everyday I get to bed a little later than usual and I wake up a lot later than usual. I'm tired, achy ... and sometimes I'm just irritable. I hate feeling this way. But something's gestating in me that may be sucking up all my energy.

Maybe it'll pop out of my chest soon and leave me in peace.

I use the Visine daily. My eyes are always bloodshot and it's the only thing that keeps my co-workers from thinking I'm on narcotics. Trust me, I don't think I'd be feeling so shitty if I was on drugs.

I was invited to an advanced DVD showing of Kill Bill Vol. 1 this evening... Unfortunately, I decided not to go -- For one, it would have run from 7-9 at least and well, I've got to be at work. Another reason is, I just don't feel like I'm up to it.

I hate losing an entire hour. Instead of getting to bed at 6 a.m., as I have been for the past three days, I didn't finally hit my pillow until 7 this morning.... Of course, it was because of the Springing forward that we all did. Maybe if I hadn't been in the chatroom all night, I would have finished my work early and been able to have a good night's sleep. But let's face it, even if I had gotten home early, I would have found some excuse not to go to bed right away.

Don't ask me why. That's just the way I've been lately.

So. He's told me not to read his blog anymore and I've decided that I won't. Next time he asks, "Do you look at anything I do?!" I guess I'll just say no. We had a long discussion about it. Nearly the same tired discussion that we've had for months. But maybe we're making headway... maybe? He's doing a lot better than before. I'm doing a lot worse.

Yeah, I would rather we didn't talk daily, since it rehashes everything there was between us. He enjoys hearing my voice because it reminds him of the good times. I, on the other hand, can't get past the bad times..... Seems they are always there.

This of course, is why he doesn't agree to my preference for talking once or twice a month on the telephone. In my opinion, we'd be able to talk on friendlier terms... we'd be happy to hear from each other... He would realize that he doesn't need my voice to go on in life. But of course, he'd rather stay in his comfort zone -- at the expense of my happiness.

It hurts him to be a burden on me. And honestly, it hurts me too. He knows he never was before. I genuinely care for him and want him to be well -- to get better -- just like he wants. In the past, I was happy to be there for him. I wanted to carry him when he couldn't walk.

But now, to be brutally honest, I'm just sick of it -- I'm tired. I feel like an old man with the weight of the world on his shoulders, when really it's a 165 lb mass of paranoia, confusion, mania and rage whose head I've been struggling to keep above water for over a year now.

Meanwhile, I've been submersed -- drowning in everything the world spits at me. It takes it's toll and dealing with it has proven very difficult -- especially lately.

I'm not saying that he doesn't have heart, talent, smarts and humor. We all know he does. But, while those who don't know him as deeply as I do see these qualities as prevelant, I see it all... because we're so close, I get the darker side of it more often. So, according to him, I need to change my perspective on these complex personality traits or just learn to live with them.

That's why he told me to stop reading his blog. So I won't get upset by the things he posts about me and his other friends or family. So he can continue venting his frustrations as he wishes, without having to worry if it hurts our feelings or not -- All the while, still getting the vocal support he craves whenever he calls here.

Great for him. But maybe I made a mistake in telling him he needed to be a little more selfish all those months ago.

Il est bel et bon