Friday, December 12, 2003
And I said to my reflection, "Let's get out of this place..."
Sometimes I just want people to let me be.
I know I have a lot of people that love me and want to help me and no I don't want to use you as a crutch. I don't want to use crutches; I don't need crutches. I can walk just fine. See, my legs may be a little skinny but I can stand and walk and run on my own.
I have you as a friend. And that's great. And that's all I need. I'm not incapacitated and I'm not hopeless. I don't rag on myself because I feel sorry for myself. If I say something that is demeaning about me it's because I think that I deserve it and it will help me change it. And that's it. It won't bring me to the depths of despair. It's not going to damage my self-esteem.
I want you to know that I can handle things on my own. If I'm in a slump. I'll get past it one way or another. I have before. No I'm not depressed. You can stop worrying. Honestly, I want you to stop worrying. I know you can't or you feel you can't. But try anyway. I'm not going anywhere. I'll always have you and you'll always have me. Stop worrying that I'll disappear or descend into some abyss where no light ever shines.
You tried not to change me. But, honestly, how can I be the same as I was before our relationship. I don't want you to think I'm blaming anything on you. There's nothing bad about change. But I just want the normalcy that I had before to come back in some way, shape or form. I want you to realize that I've never been free to just depend on myself. My parents, my sisters, my family and friends. Everyone wants me to GO TO THEM. I don't want to. Because I want to rely on me for a while. For myself. For MY sanity.
Yeah, I was a very different person before. But it's in these precious few years that will determine what kind of a man I will be for the rest of my life. And I don't want to be someone who runs away from himself and to the first available companion. I want a network of support -- you give that to me, but I don't want to be coddled ... I WANT to be self-sufficient. I want to be comfortable with myself. You want me to turn to you. I will. At some time I will... I turn to all my friends at some time or another. But, I'm sorry, I'm going to be a little bit selfish for the time being. I want to turn to myself for once.
Yes, right now, I have a lot on my plate. And yes, I've been put on the spot quite a bit this past year. But that's a part of life and I can deal with it. I know you love me, Dave. But you know what? I'm a grown man and all I really want sometimes is to be left alone and other times I want good friends and family who will hear me out and let me make my own choices and live my own life.
I have goals and aspirations and all that shit. And I'll make them happen, one way or another. I just need the breathing room and work space to actually do it.
I know that schizophrenia is not mental retardation, and I've damned anyone who's ever said you are retarded. You know that. I also know you jump to conclusions. Easily. And right about now you're thinking that I don't want you around. And you may also be thinking the same thing you used to tell me... You said on more than one occasion, "If you leave me, I'm gone... I'm dead. That's it. I'll be dead." And I knew that you meant you were going to commit suicide if I left you. That scared the hell out of me.
But you know better now. You know that I'm your friend and that it's stupid to even want to die because someone doesn't want to be in a romantic/sexual relationship with you. And I'm not just saying that to you. I'm saying that to everyone who is reading this. If you think your life is over because the love of your life broke up with you. Then you need to get a clue. Life is much more than love and sex. It's hurt and pain and a million other bad things and 2 million good things.
Guess what. I'm young, you're young. We've got time to figure out who/what we want and if he wants us in return. You aren't old until you're bones in the dirt. Because by then, it really is too late. We've always got time. And that's my belief. You won't change that.
Dave, I'm your friend. I'll be there for you when you NEED me. Right now, I need to concentrate. I need some quiet. I need some rest. I need some relaxation and I need some work. I need to get out and move. I need a little bit of noise. And soon, I'll need to just day-dream.
You've spent a fortune on phone cards. And you don't have a fortune. You call to shoot the shit or to talk about Ninja Turtles or you send me boxes of presents. I told you that I don't want you to spend money on me. But you insist and do it because you want to. I still don't want you to spend money on me. Stephen and Vanessa are just as much 'friends' to me as you are. None of us are rich and we know we don't need to talk directly often. When people care about each other as much as we do, any kind of communication will suffice.
Material things and expensive phone calls aren't what keep us together. Just something to consider.
I know I have a lot of people that love me and want to help me and no I don't want to use you as a crutch. I don't want to use crutches; I don't need crutches. I can walk just fine. See, my legs may be a little skinny but I can stand and walk and run on my own.
I have you as a friend. And that's great. And that's all I need. I'm not incapacitated and I'm not hopeless. I don't rag on myself because I feel sorry for myself. If I say something that is demeaning about me it's because I think that I deserve it and it will help me change it. And that's it. It won't bring me to the depths of despair. It's not going to damage my self-esteem.
I want you to know that I can handle things on my own. If I'm in a slump. I'll get past it one way or another. I have before. No I'm not depressed. You can stop worrying. Honestly, I want you to stop worrying. I know you can't or you feel you can't. But try anyway. I'm not going anywhere. I'll always have you and you'll always have me. Stop worrying that I'll disappear or descend into some abyss where no light ever shines.
You tried not to change me. But, honestly, how can I be the same as I was before our relationship. I don't want you to think I'm blaming anything on you. There's nothing bad about change. But I just want the normalcy that I had before to come back in some way, shape or form. I want you to realize that I've never been free to just depend on myself. My parents, my sisters, my family and friends. Everyone wants me to GO TO THEM. I don't want to. Because I want to rely on me for a while. For myself. For MY sanity.
Yeah, I was a very different person before. But it's in these precious few years that will determine what kind of a man I will be for the rest of my life. And I don't want to be someone who runs away from himself and to the first available companion. I want a network of support -- you give that to me, but I don't want to be coddled ... I WANT to be self-sufficient. I want to be comfortable with myself. You want me to turn to you. I will. At some time I will... I turn to all my friends at some time or another. But, I'm sorry, I'm going to be a little bit selfish for the time being. I want to turn to myself for once.
Yes, right now, I have a lot on my plate. And yes, I've been put on the spot quite a bit this past year. But that's a part of life and I can deal with it. I know you love me, Dave. But you know what? I'm a grown man and all I really want sometimes is to be left alone and other times I want good friends and family who will hear me out and let me make my own choices and live my own life.
I have goals and aspirations and all that shit. And I'll make them happen, one way or another. I just need the breathing room and work space to actually do it.
I know that schizophrenia is not mental retardation, and I've damned anyone who's ever said you are retarded. You know that. I also know you jump to conclusions. Easily. And right about now you're thinking that I don't want you around. And you may also be thinking the same thing you used to tell me... You said on more than one occasion, "If you leave me, I'm gone... I'm dead. That's it. I'll be dead." And I knew that you meant you were going to commit suicide if I left you. That scared the hell out of me.
But you know better now. You know that I'm your friend and that it's stupid to even want to die because someone doesn't want to be in a romantic/sexual relationship with you. And I'm not just saying that to you. I'm saying that to everyone who is reading this. If you think your life is over because the love of your life broke up with you. Then you need to get a clue. Life is much more than love and sex. It's hurt and pain and a million other bad things and 2 million good things.
Guess what. I'm young, you're young. We've got time to figure out who/what we want and if he wants us in return. You aren't old until you're bones in the dirt. Because by then, it really is too late. We've always got time. And that's my belief. You won't change that.
Dave, I'm your friend. I'll be there for you when you NEED me. Right now, I need to concentrate. I need some quiet. I need some rest. I need some relaxation and I need some work. I need to get out and move. I need a little bit of noise. And soon, I'll need to just day-dream.
You've spent a fortune on phone cards. And you don't have a fortune. You call to shoot the shit or to talk about Ninja Turtles or you send me boxes of presents. I told you that I don't want you to spend money on me. But you insist and do it because you want to. I still don't want you to spend money on me. Stephen and Vanessa are just as much 'friends' to me as you are. None of us are rich and we know we don't need to talk directly often. When people care about each other as much as we do, any kind of communication will suffice.
Material things and expensive phone calls aren't what keep us together. Just something to consider.
Mikey was being stupid at 5:03 AM ::
Monday, December 08, 2003
It's not you... it's me. It's not hate... It's love for you.
Anyway... after 800 years, I'm here to blog a little.
I've been away from the blog because I've been working A LOT lately. And by the time I get home, my sister and bro-in-law are already in bed... their bed happens to be in my office (for now).
Work has had me begging for a vacation ... and since I still have a week left to use before year's end, it looks like I might be able to spend New Year's away from the office. Maybe.
The good thing about work is that I should be getting two bonuses on this pay check, plus overtime and holiday pay (from Thanksgiving). I really need that cash.
Various things have been happening... none are too important. Things in preparation for the holidays and such. Hopefully it'll be a good holiday.
My sister and I were looking at Beau the other day and freaking out on just how much she's grown since we rescued her from my gramma's dog...
See for yourself.
I feel fat... Like I told Kenny the other day, I've gained 18 lbs. since last year. Someone help me. I think I need pilates or something.
I've been away from the blog because I've been working A LOT lately. And by the time I get home, my sister and bro-in-law are already in bed... their bed happens to be in my office (for now).
Work has had me begging for a vacation ... and since I still have a week left to use before year's end, it looks like I might be able to spend New Year's away from the office. Maybe.
The good thing about work is that I should be getting two bonuses on this pay check, plus overtime and holiday pay (from Thanksgiving). I really need that cash.
Various things have been happening... none are too important. Things in preparation for the holidays and such. Hopefully it'll be a good holiday.
My sister and I were looking at Beau the other day and freaking out on just how much she's grown since we rescued her from my gramma's dog...
See for yourself.
I feel fat... Like I told Kenny the other day, I've gained 18 lbs. since last year. Someone help me. I think I need pilates or something.
Mikey was being stupid at 1:12 AM ::