..stupid ideals..

Late last night I popped in a recorded cassette tape of music circa 1996.
Tracks on my mix tape:

The entire soundtrack to the North American dub of Sailor Moon (with titles such as "Oh, Starry Night" and "She's Got the Power")
"The Trees" by Rush... I know.
"Counting Blue Cars" by Dishwalla
"The Lion Sleeps Tonight (Wimoweh)" by The Tokens
"Sanctus XII" from Mad About the Monks
"Cavatina" from Mad About Guitars
Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata"
"Adagio in G Minor" from Mad About Baroque
"Don't Fear the Reaper" and "I'm Burning for You" by Blue Oyster Cult
"In the Meantime" by Space Hog
"The Phantom of the Opera" performed by Sarah Brightman & Michael Crawford
"Losing My Religion" by REM
"No Rain" by Blind Melon
"Coventry Carol" from Christmas Piano Classics

All in all, pretty ... Um. I don't know. Stupid? Now that I think back, I was a bit of a drama queen back then. I guess I still am. I listened to this whole tape reminiscing about the night I made it.

It was early winter. I'd moved into the efficiency apartment connected to the garage the previous year. I was finding freedom I didn't have when I was stuck in my little bedroom with dusty green carpet and drafty windows. I no longer hid my Heavy Metal magazines... They were in a stack next to the chiffonier. I strung up Christmas lights around the apartment. I had my Rocky Horror Show Original Roxy Cast album displayed proudly just beneath the posted ad for Got Milk? ... You know, the one featuring Jennifer Aniston and Lisa Kudrow? It reminded me of another one I had to get rid of.

I was 16... I had my wide array of CDs strewn across the room... classical, classic rock.... rock/alternative, showtunes.... for God's sake, Sailor Moon's ENGLISH album?? I loved it all. Nevermind that the gas heater I had running very close to the piles of laundry was a huge fire hazard, or that the circuit breaker would pop when I ran the A/C in the summer or when my mom was doing laundry.

I remember that night mixing tapes clearly.

A year before that I was singing along with Sarah Brightman and Michael Crawford's Phantom of the Opera tunes in the shower when the appendicitis hit. I managed to crawl wrapped in a towel to the house to alert my parents. The Cranberries on my emo Angela Chase days, Green Day on my rebellious punky days.

A year later I was returning to my roots... Depeche Mode, The Cure... hell I even had Jesus Jones on repeat for about a week. REM, B-52s, Morrissey, The Smiths .... Chumbawumba.... and soundtracks galore. Damn, did I have a lot of compilation albums. But that music got me through a lot of dark times. It put me into a lot of those dark times too. But what can i say, I was an emotional teenager... is there any other kind?

For the record, I liked the ENTIRE Chumbawumba album. I was also one of the few who knew that was like their 8th one.

..

I've been in a horrid mood all day. The first thing I did was enroll in Profina's debt management program... That kind of set the tone for the whole day. After going to my mom's house, we needed a quick excuse to get out of the house (she didn't want to be around for company), so I suggested we see the movie I've been wanting to see since it first came out.

Of course, my sister decided that she didn't want to go, and my mom decided to make dinner. So, once again, I didn't get to see the movie. That put me in an even pissier mood. I sulked all evening. I did get to watch tv though.

Did anyone catch the finale of Boy Meets Boy? I won't spoil it for you, but I just want to say, "Duh." .... Queer Eye was good too, but not as great as the past few eps. Watched some Travel channel and E's Wild On... naked hos everywhere!

Oy... I must sleep soon. It's after 6 and I have a big day tomorrow... getting paid! Yes.. I can actually pay some bills!
Oh and Matt, I'll be putting up a new cam pic soon. Ironically, today, I'm wearing those same clothes.

Well, another exhausting day in the workplace. And by exhausting I mean boring as hell. I'm so fuckin sleepy because I was working on the site all night and today has been totally uneventful.

I'm working on a new layout for this site, since I'm sure whoever still shows up around here (Hi, Matt!) has gotten pretty bored of seeing the same old shit. I'm thinking of dumping blogger for pmachine, since that's what I use day in and day out here at work. But, I have to come up with a spiffy layout for the page. Everything I'm coming up with has not been blog-list friendly. I'll keep working on it.

I've now seen the video of this guy in Pennsylvania get blown up about 50 times today. I'm sure they'll rerun the video throughout the night and early morning hours. Don't you just love the media?

While working on the site early this morning, I had the TV on the two music networks... Every night I tune to Insomniac Music Theater or MTV Beach Party in hopes of seeing Coldplay's Clocks video. After the performance of The Scientist on the MTV Video/Music Awards, Chris Rock said, "Wow, I hope you didn't slit your wrists to that one!" I know that The Scientist is the one getting all the attention right now (it IS a good video), but I really identify with Clocks; it moves me more than The Scientist does.

Anyway, it was the first video they played after I tuned in to VH1. That's when I started to feel kind of depressed. Yeah there are several factors in my life that could be adding fuel to the fire... breaking up, money problems, etc. But what I really started missing was my friends and even -- sort of -- youth, in general.

I guess I feel so old lately. I don't do much of anything anymore, but go to work, my mom's house, and home. Always, buying dinner and sitting at the computer. I need to break out of this rut.

But honestly, I don't know how. Just do it, right? That's what I used to say... three years ago, two years ago, even one year ago.... But not anymore. I can't. Something is holding me back. It looks like I won't be moving to Dallas anytime soon and work is even more frustrating than ever... mostly because of the lack of challenges. I don't know how to get past this block just yet, but maybe I'll figure it out. And hopefully soon.